Being a Nanna but unable to be one. It sounds like a contradiction but that is the reality of my "Nanna status". It's impossible to get excited about or feel the joy of being a grandparent when you are not allowed to see your grandchild.
When you find out you are going to be a grandparent, there is so much anticipation of the joy, the memories and there is the enjoyment of watching a little one grow, develop, learn, discover. But when you are denied all those "normal" grandparent experiences, when you have a grandchild but you are not able to experience those aspects, you remain in a limbo of sorts. You are not there by choice but by force. You grieve, wait, pray, wonder and hope that one day the silence will be over, that one day your son will come home, that one day you can hug your son and grandson and tell them how much you love them. And that one day you can meet this new grand child who has only just begun...
And then one day, a tiny glimmer of hope:
A glimmer of hope, amongst the months of silence, brokenness and helplessness. A very short visit, which leaves you hoping and praying for breakthrough, for healing. A glimmer of hope, and a belief that there is the possibility of change, reconciliation and freedom.
The possibility that life could be different one day... But just like before, that fleeting moment disappears as quickly as it came. It does, however, answer that gnawing question: My son misses me & his family... He DOES think of me. He came to me, he sought no one else. And while I am left wondering when I will see him next, I can hold on to that very tiny thread of hope...