Lost...

This last weekend (31st March) marked 12 months since I have seen my oldest son, Daniel. This has been the longest time period that he has cut our entire family off, in the 4+ years he has been with his partner. Wednesday (4th April) was also his 23rd birthday, the second birthday in a row that we have had no contact with him.

So, here is my birthday message to my son (as I posted on Facebook):

"Happy 23rd Birthday to my oldest son Dan Denehy.
23 years ago, in country Grafton NSW, I was blessed with my second child & my first son. A very sick baby developed into a strong, loving, caring young person with a wonderful sense of fun & a love for life; gifted academically, musically, artistically & as an athlete. Dan, I love you more than words & miss you more each day. xxoo"

It doesn't get any easier as time goes by, it becomes increasingly difficult. It's like grieving the loss of a loved one, even though they haven't actually died.

Perhaps that's why it gets harder as time passes not easier as it should... because it's actually not a physical death, it's the loss/death of a relationship, hopes & dreams with one of the people I love the most. It's like walking in a never ending wilderness... never knowing if or when it will end.



It's like living your life with part of it missing, and nothing can fill that empty space. It's knowing he's out there, somewhere, possibly living very close by. And knowing that his real heart loves & values his family, but the silence is because he "had to make a choice" between them and us...

So on this Easter Sunday, when I should be celebrating life as I always have, with all my family together, there's an unshakable sadness deep in my heart and I am longing for life to be breathed into the relationship I've lost...